The Dreaded "This is a safe Space" while toxic people run the show!
Written by The Valerian Legion's Demon King Malaketh, Demon Lord Kushim, Kulbert Consul, Demon Lord Landry Connelly, God of the Void and The Emerald Shadow Monarch Blackstrike, God of Time/Firelord and Chaos Overlord Blaze H. Zur, Demon Lord Ozul aka Mr. Black Hearted and Delain Vivian Paige
Let's get into it shall we?
So, what is a Safe Space?
If you have ever heard this thrown around "LGBTQIA2S+ safe spaces and communities" you either fall into one of three categories in response to hearing it:
1. It fills you with comradery and joy
It fills you with the feeling of dread and horror. You are like instantly that's "A RED FLAG"
Or you are apprehensive ASF and in denial, so you pretend you are okay and grit your teeth as you walk into the threshold for usually toxicity!
What is the problem with the term "safe space"? And why is there such divide in views on this very term?
In order to understand this term, I think it best to start from the basic premise by defining what safety, a space and a "safe space" is actually first!
If the definitions are not the same for any of us then how can we even make a safe space in the first place? You feel me?
SO!
Safety?
What is Safety?
Noun
The condition of being safe; freedom from danger, risk, or injury.
A device designed to prevent accidents, as a lock on a firearm preventing accidental firing.
A play in which a member of the offensive team downs the ball or is tackled or forced out of bounds behind his own goal line, resulting in two points for the defensive team.
So what is being safe?
Well let's start off with environment safety. That's easy right?
What is Environment safety?
Having a first aid kit handy.
Stocking up on supplies for an emergency!
Protecting your home from a fire.
Making your home less attractive to burglars.
Child-Proofing your home if you have children.
Maybe investing in disaster services.
What is Physical Safety?
Learning self-defense.
Carrying a pocket knife.
Wearing a personal alarm keychain.
Having pepper spray on handy.
Keeping a stun gun in your purse.
Checking both ways before you cross the street.
Learning when to leave a situation before it becomes violent!
Setting down boundaries about touch and having enforcement for when they are violated!
What is Emotional Safety?
It is the feeling of being secure enough in a relationship to be open and vulnerable, without fear of judgment or retaliation. It allows individuals to express their true selves and emotions freely, fostering trust and mutual respect. This is essential for vulnerability. An environment where you have to walk on eggshells, no matter what is a recipe for abuses.
What is Communal/Community Safety?
There are low rates of violent crime.
People are not injured or killed by stray bullets.
Children are safe from harm both inside and outside of school.
There are low rates of property crime such as theft, vandalism, or car theft.
There are low rates of drug use, including public drug use, and drug-related harms (e.g., overdoses).
People do not stereotype, discriminate against, or harm others based on their race, ethnicity, or other personal characteristics.
People do not attack each other for differing views, values or beliefs and conflict is managed so that growth happens.
People try to see others perspectives not just their own.
Any trauma, even extreme, is worked on and not used ever as an excuse. There is no excuse for abuse ever!
Accountability with enforcement is part of the community.
Toxic people are addressed and not allowed to just ignore boundaries or shift tye blame etc.
People can travel freely anytime, anywhere, including late at night without being on alert.
People feel safe and secure in their homes.
People aren’t worried they will be a victim of a crime.
People are not harassed when walking down the street
Community members trust one another.
People watch out for each other and provide support and assistance for neighbors in need.
Neighbors know one another and talk regularly.
There is a lot of activity, with people out in the community and children playing outside.
People in the community are welcoming and respectful to all regardless of their identity or personal characteristics, such as age, sexuality, gender, or race.
Community members work together to solve local problems.
Business owners are invested in the community and businesses are thriving.
There are programs youth can participate in outside of school.
There are grocery stores and people have access to healthy food.
There are shops, restaurants, and entertainment venues.
There are public libraries and institutions that support the arts.
Homelessness is actually cared about and there is working, accessible programs that dont have a ton of red tape bs.
There are well maintained parks and access to outdoor recreational activities. ▪ Infrastructure, such as roads, sidewalks, lights, and signs are well-maintained.
Accessibility, diversity, equity and inclusion are a standard period!
There is adequate lighting, including lights on the streets and roads.
Infrastructure allows for people to walk and bike safely.
There is no intra-community discrimination and if it comes up it is addressed immediately!
Nobody participates in trauma comparisons nor attacks others in community with bad faith responses!
Any disparities between different types of people or groups within that community are addressed in a healthy way etc.
What is a space?
Noun
A set of elements or points satisfying specified geometric postulates.
"non-Euclidean space."
The infinite extension of the three-dimensional region in which all matter exists.
The expanse in which the solar system, stars, and galaxies exist; the universe.
And finally...
What is a "Safe Space"?
A Safe space is meant to be, a zone, where the marginalized, can speak their "truth", without being attacked, dismissed, judged harshly, unjustly treated or retraumatized. It means an absence of danger but NOT the absence of challenge! Not the absence of responsibility, nor lack of personal healthy boundaries with enforcement, conflict and some compromises.
It is where:
Vulnerable identities are mutually respected.
Harmful behaviors specifically harassment, toxic judgements, abuse, slurs, or threats are not tolerated by anyone
Emotional experiences are actually safe and can unfold, without fear of retaliation, threat, punishment, toxic judgement, shaming, or humiliation
No voices are silenced!
Healthy boundaries are enforced without control and domination!
Its about regulating the nervous system, so that people can feel emotionally and physically safe, so they are open to learning, connection and even disagreement!
So where did LGBTQIA2S+ spaces go wrong with saying we need "safe space" but then immediately behave as exclusionary, when it comes to those who don't fit the mold of being a transgender person or that aren't nearly as "marginalized" as another set.
That is trauma Olympics right there! Oh I have it worse than you. There is several problems when you say I got it worse than you. That invalidates others struggles. That invalidates your own struggles too by the way and thirdly, it is tone deaf and being an "a**hole*.
This competition of trauma, actually no one wins but somebody wants to get a crown for the most trauma in the room because they are asking for clout!
As if its a "badge of honor" but in the end we all loose because that isn't helping anyone, including the competitors. Its just chaos for destruction not renewal!
Chaos for Renewal = Like a Phoenix
Chaos for Destruction = Like the Biohazard sign which is Death >.>
So?
Why do most queer "safe spaces" exclude anybody who doesn't fit into a proper box of man or woman or pass? Whelp here's a clue, its called Colonialism and racism!
What is colonialism? The big issue is its not well defined enough for people to understand. It is a term that, in our next post, we will fully explore to help us out and our readers!
Not all things said in a "safe space" will feel good and may even make you feel uncomfortable. That's the f**KING POINT!
Growth is accepting un-comfortability. That is not a threat to you. If it feels that way, you may just need to heal some trauma wity love! That is part of being human and learning! Nobody will ever learn anything nor grow, if all we do is make sure "everybody fits into a Specific box of whatever." That is conformity, for making sure that nothing changes and that we continue to suffer as we are! Thats keeping the wheel of trauma cycles going. Arent we more than just an animal?
Continuing to suffer is not love. To enjoy suffering is not love. Love is part of safety!
Without love there is no safety at all! That's a golden cage of denial and ignoring reality literally!
Its okay to take a break from reality, but expecting community to be free from anything that remotely resembles struggles or real life trauma advocacy or people having trauma responses is irresponsible, unrealisitic and unsustainable and a recipe for just more abusive communities and spaces!
Transgender, nonbinary, black, white, 50 years old, 20 years old, Christian, bisexual, rich, poor, educated, have a job, in-between jobs etc all have their own traumas and each requiring different healing and protections. Protection is not conditional.
However, should you be under protection and become an abuser yourself, that protection SHOULD NOT BE AFFORDED YOU ANYMORE!
BAD BEHAVIOR AND CHOOSING TO ABUSE = NOT FUN CONSEQUENCES NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE!
The only people uncomfortable with hearing the truth, is those who are living well dressed lies or are in denial!
Denial works because of shame.
You want to be happier? Change your perspective. Face your shame. Face the denial head on.
There is no healing without going through it. This is said with love. It may not hit that way but it is meant with love. Embracing with love!
You may say well I just don't want to do that. I would rather just enjoy my life. There isn't a sudden, "you gotta heal right in one moment thing" by the way. Healing takes time. It's a journey not a race. You do it when you are ready, also.
However, the longer you don't do any work to heal that trauma, the more possibility of excusing toxicity in yourself, because that's actually human.
Small changes are still change!
Don't be like the abusers who hurt you!
You want to break the trauma cycles and have a safer society? It starts with you. Whoever you are, no matter your circumstances.
This knowledge I now have, has been earned through intense trauma work and facing the shadows that we keep hidden from view. Jung called this the parts of yourself that you hide from view because of shame, shadow.
This Chaos Warlock and co are working through it bit by bit. And this just means, we are choosing to be happy and no let the past dictate how we are nor let it stop us from living fully as a whole person, D.I.D., autism, adhd, c-ptsd and all!
A real safe space makes room for trauma survivors. If trauma survivors don't have a seat at the table and cannot speak up, no matter what the reason, then its NOT A SAFE SPACE!
Safe spaces DO NOT shut down trauma survivors for speaking up, they instead set boundaries with enforcement but they do not THREATEN WITH BANNING, ABUSE, COERCION, THREATS OF ANY KIND! That defeats the purpose of a safe space!
Safe spaces DON'T use control to police others experiences, sharing of them, silencing people, who don't have the same values, views, beliefs or experiencs, while instead just setting healthy boundaries not with control because that isn't a healthy boundary!
Thry set it with love for themself and the other person. Protecting your peace os loving you and others! It means setting healthy personal boundaries with enforcement.
The rules as written, also, if they do not include a clause about specific things like this, boundary violations and conflict are guaranteed to come up, then you have no leg to stand on to say you are safe, the ckmmunity is safe, the group is safe and the spaces just becomes like every toxic cis space and supposed safe spaces, that many exit, because of abusers and their enablers!
What breaks the concept isn’t discomfort itself, it's not the "not speaking up about trauma" people are allowed to decide what they share period. When a safe space does not make any allowances for different views, being messy and neurodivergences, its when it becomes about "comfort zones" to protect toxicity and keep people in denial of real life situations and experiences that are different from their own. People who are that unsettled because they talk a good talk but their actions show they haven't worked on their own wounds, is toxicity.
People need places to process trauma (my team usually doesnt process with anybody except our team and our therapist. Its too easy for people to judge us, shsme us, dictate things etc.), wrestle with identity, learn how to speak up, and stay in the room, even when it gets hard. They need environments that honor lived experience, without reducing dialogue to slogans, terminologies, labels and boxes. They need a way to practice being human together, without defaulting to defense, attacking, shutting down etc.
We recognize even our team/system needs to work on this, but we will do it with love period.
Creating "psychological safety and maintaining intellectual rigor" within community are not opposites.
They’re prerequisites for each other.
You can’t explore complex ideas, if you’re too afraid to speak up.
You can’t learn from differences, if you’re constantly defending your right to exist and voice!
A truly safe space is not a vacuum. It’s a container which is not a six walled box!
The problem arises when the term is weaponized—either to exclude ideas and/or under the guise of safety, or to mock the very idea of safety as weakness or become exclusionary, making sure that ONLY CERTAIN VOICES MATTER and HAVE A SAY.
A safe space is where challenge can happen!
WITHOUT
Humiliation
Without attacking the person
Retaliation
Threats
Punishment
Cruelty
Toxic Judgements
Baseless Accusations
Prejudices
Bad faith readings
Assumptions
Abuse of any type
Control
Gaslighting
Betrayal
US VS THEM MENTALITIES
Psychological Layering
People protecting abusers and people excusing harm from the get go from real life consequences of being abusive
Mob Mentality
Hive Mind Confromity
Not seeing multiple perspectives
Not seeing from others shoes
Silencing
Name Calling
Labeling
Weaponizing words with intent to shame the person you disagree with
Retraumatizing Trauma Survivors being suppressed
Allowing Abusers to maintain authority, after they have actually shown to be a predatorial and abusive!
Avoiding emotional discomfort is not the goal of a safe space! duhhhhhh!
In fact, the best safe spaces, are where people can sit in hard truths—about themselves, about others, about the world—with enough support to metabolize those truths rather than shut down or lash out. What makes a space safe or a person even, is not the absence of difficulty. It’s the presence of mutual respect, slowing down so that reactions can be mitigated and seeking to understand each other instead of react. When a person can ask a question, share a story, express pain, or name an injustice, without fear of being erased—that’s safety. When someone else can express a conflicting view without being attacked—that’s safety, too. The goal is not to ALL agree. It’s to create conditions, where truth can surface, without fear of violence, coercion, or public shaming.
When someone speaks up about the lack of safety going on and calls out toxic behaviors, or may even had a misunderstanding. Misunderstandings must be handled with maturity, mutual respect and taking some breaths before responding. Also, conflict doesn't have to be solved immediately. Taking time to process and undersrand thats key!
The problems happen in community, when someone is nailed tooth and hammer as a bad person suddenly, for something they didn't intentionally realize or there was a misunderstanding because something was phrased not well due to neurological differences and that is why Grace/compassion, is necessary in community for yourself and others.
Accountability is not rigid and it is not condemnation and negativity.
ASSUMPTIONS ARE ALWAYS WRONG!
JUDGEMENTS ARE ABOUT YOU PROJECTING, NOT THE PERSON YOU ARE JUDGING!
WEAPONZING WORDS TO CAUSE HARM, WITH SHAME AND PUNISHMENT BECAUSE YOU WERE OFFENDED IS NOT HEALTHY AND IS ACTUALLY TOXCITIY! ITS ALSO IMMATURE ASF.
DISTRUSTING THAT PERSON BASED ON NOTHING BUT THEIR HUMAN VARIATION AND POTENTIALLY GOSSIP, IS THE SAME THING AS, BULLYING, RACISM, COLONIALISM, PATRIACHY, SEXISM AND STEREOTYPING AND BECOMES INTRA COMMUNITY DISCRIMINATION!
If we want to stop the divisions going on we have to face the "elephants in the room" and our "skeletons in the closets". Its scary for sure and nothing ever worth your effort, is a waste.
I am not the foremost authority on all of this but this is my best understanding I have and thoughts. Im open to being wrong. I fear not being messy. I fear people who put me in a box.
I am more than my variations and you are too! Does boxing people help you? This is what fuels negativity by the way, biases, excuses for abuses, cognitive distortions, logical fallacies, "othering" people, dehumanizing etc.
Do better. Be better. If we want lasting change, then we must rise up and together ❤️
Much love,
The Valerian Legion
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