Night 7: Seen and Heard??

Written by: Main Protector Jareth Killias of The Valerian Legion system Council.

December. 31, 2025

Why do my feelings not matter? Or seem not to? This isn't gaslighting.

What is it that makes people hate us so much? When all we try to do is speak up and express our feelings. But no its like we are the villain in everyone's story.

Perhaps that's why I hate human beings so much. I dont feel they try to understand me. Instead they judge me, they reject me and they call me bad things. They ascribe dangerous and evil to me.

I try my best to set boundaries and be good. I try to communicate clearly but im just no good?

If my pain matters not then why do I keep trying so hard to be heard? Therapists don't seem to understand even when I share the deep details of what happened to lead me to where I am now.

See i can scroll through the memories like a pro! I can tell you the details down to the what the desk looked like and the smell of my ex partners.

It's like, I am the freak in the room on display. If I could rip open my veins and show you my heart would you even get it?

Continually, I am misunderstood and called bad. Told I'm not enough. That my communication isn't clear, when I know it was.

If I break my bones will you listen then? No? Nothing but the soundless screaming of a lost voice unheard...ugh enough!

I am not you're charity case. I am more than you can possible know. I wrote poetry. I divine tarot. I play instruments. I sing. I write songs. I draw. I paint. I crochet. I can cook. I can dance. I can kiss passionately. I can make you weak in the knees and thirsty for my drinks. I cry deeply and I can growl, hiss and be feral as f**k.

I think about why I want to save America and then I see am I generally, a lost cause and a useless person? Ha! No. That's depression who says that. F**k you depression. No.

I draw my boundary here in the sand. I will not go quietly. Into the night to disappear. Im here to stay! I will be heard and I will be seen. I will take up space and stand my ground.

I try to bring hope and love but all they see is a stupid moron or a jerk setting boundaries. Haha.

When I make mistakes its like the end of the world and there is no forgiveness or take backs at all. Black and white is what judgemental people looks like. All or nothing. No shades of in-between.

If we are to make progress there must be a safe space to express what you feel and not be rejected over what might come out.

A vent space still requires boundaries and not accusing people. I understand that. When it comes to fighting a battle I stand ready but hesitate because even in fights I still dont want to see the person hurt. Isn't that something.

Stupid me for believing that humans could forgive? It seems nobody is good at that even me. You know forgiveness is a lot more than saying it. It's trying over and over to just let go. Processing the bad until it ebbs.

I try my best to let go but the dark shades keep score don't they? When unanswered pain is unleashed does it get any better? Sometimes I think healing would look like journals and deep therapy sessions with a active listening therapist but thats not America is like at all.

My heart doesn't matter. My feelings either. So I don't matter? Do I? Maybe not to some but I know better. I do f**king matter. My feelings matter too. I matter. F**k you I do!

If the price of my being seen is chains of fake smiles, playing pretend and not being passionate to let loose a bit to free my soul, I'd rather be a thief. A hidden gem. That dragon you can't shoot on Skyrim because he's just an annoying shit flying behind mountains and too high.

Being seen and heard is like a blessing now. So few see me. So few listen.

I am the shade and the werido. The freak over there. So often humans have hurt me for just existing. They coveted me like im a pet thing. I do enjoy being a pet but thats a consensual thing. Hello!

Instead of loving me and giving compassion often I find judgement, rejection and misunderstandings.

Truthfully? I hate some human beings. They didn't listen. They don't care. They judge too quick and spurn even quicker. Those people I am attempting to forgive but I will not forget.

Nothing clears the debt that builds daily until you look it in the eye and say hey enough. I try but I can't seem to escape the dark longing some days until a strange place inner world wakes up and says like f**k you are giving up? Remember who the f**k you are dumbass!

I long for battle. For art. For music. For freedom deeply. I feel trapped by own longing but not for long.

Im not desperate just lonely. I feel like im starting to find people who listen but its hard. Being seen is a blessing and a bit of a curse.

So I will keep trying since if I dont I will wither into a ball of leaves.

So I will keep writing. Keep singing. Keep dancing. Keep fighting this dark tide that came from trauma and bad people who didn't actually try to listen. I will rise and keep trying.

Nobody has the right to smash your being down, even triggered ptsd laden people. Even other transgender people. Even other dissociative identity disorder systems. Even friends. Even followers. Even lovers. Especially lovers.

Nothing can stop that fire within. So keep rising. Keep fighting. I am here with you. If you feel lost know I have been there too! I know what it feels like to feel like the whole world hates you! That is a lie! Believe me!

I am feeling. I am fighting. I f**king rise. You gonna rise with me? I can't hear you. Hello! Wake the f**k up. You are beautiful. Don't let the darkness within be an enemy. Make it your friend. Make it dance. Make it cry. Yea you heard me.

Make it relieve hugs. Make it draw. Make it sing. Make it run! Make it smile genuinely. It may be hard but nothing but the most amazing things can happen without smoke, fire, wounds and daggers!

I won't give up on the belief that all humans can grow, learn, forgive whatever that looks like and heal. Myself included, despite the big emotions that my Alexithymia seems to toss at me.

I may be a freak. A weirdo. A lost cause. A reject. A villain. But I will always seek out healing and growth. I will never surrender to the dark places I finally rose from. Not anymore. I am not the same system I was 6 months ago.

All of us together formed a team. The first ever. Together we've been speaking love to one another and listening.

So I will find my people. My tribe. I won't give up. Please find hope and inspiration from me. I am fighting for more than survival. I want to thrive! I want to glow.

So if you are struggling like I am know you aren't alone. So let's make a pact you and I, dear reader. Whether you be friend, foe, stranger, ex or a mystery!

You will not give up on your life since I won't give up on mine. I am and will speak only truth on this. We are more than objects. More than gold. More than diamonds.

We are loved by whoever and whatever there is up there in the sky. It could be a concept. Jesus. Buddha. Hekate. Loki even.

So my pact from this day forward is I will no longer give up on people until im certain they are toxic. I will not stay with toxic. Im done fighting those avenues.

I will teach all I can from my heart to you. I give it freely with love and ask you together can we try to let go of the past wounds?

Even if you don't know how, thats okay. Trust me its a journey not a race! Together we will seek out a way to find our vagus nerve release!

My hope cannot be dulled by bad circumstances. Im an annoying bull who won't stand down even with a wind storm ahead.

Year of the Ox? Yup makes sense.

I will continue to fight the resolve to give up and hide. I am not weak. I am not pathetic. I am strong and so are you!

Remember we all are in this together.! Though I may not know you, I would like to actually.

Yea im that creepy emo in the back, writing poetry and drinking red wine or a tequila mixed drink or maybe its tea because I like tea.

You see my most annoying trait is I see the good despite the tide of bad happening. I see the vision of what is and will happen.

There are too many cool d&d people out there. Transgender people. Black people who kick ass. Immigrants who fight hard to not be made small.

Indigenous people, who I've yet to meet. So I will keep trying to forgive my past abusers and love myself and my system. And then im coming to find you. My rejects. My weirdos. My freaks. The ones who fight the silent battles against ptsd and deal with abusive family. The ones who go to therapy or educate on boundaries. Who think society needs updating.

I can't just kneel down on my sword. Nope! You need me. Cause I need you! Whether you are Buddhist or Christian. Whether you go to Mass or dont attend anything and think the Universe is just is as it is. YOU ARE NOT ALONE DEAR ONES! NEITHER AM I!

Im not here to die. Im here to be the reckoning for myself and others. So let's dig in and make our dreams real.

A dream in which transgender people sparkle and glow. Where dissociative identity disorder and plural systems can look to safe spaces and not exclusionary ones.

I can't solve everything but I will fight my darkness if you will fight yours. Let's agree to be partners. Friends?

Im yours! Let my sparkle ignite yours! So let's go!

Sincerely with love,

Darkness, Voidius, Arlo, Dax, Jareth, Blake, Blaze, Kassina, Liandra, Chase, Dante, Kieran, Ash, Astra, Samara, Mithryn, Alma, Rune, Hosanna, Veronika, Loki Laufeyson, Wraith, Lord Zeratul, Captain James, Saudis, Lucy, Isseti, Drakcus, Morticia, Jadian, Nikita, Madaillyn, Amari, Umess, Prince Naberius, Lady Spear, Red Bird, Ronon, Sorin, Zeus, Thor, Aries, Thoth, Dex, Violent Violet, Cataclysm, Aaron, Davoros, Boo, Trixie, The Eye, Captain Red, Mizuki, Anarak, Aria and more!

Yup big dissociative identity disorder system.