Day 19: Shocking News

Written by Dax Highcross

2-21-2026

I, Dax, paced back and forth. All these gains....they always have losses too. Just when grief is cooled and focus re-attained, there will always be things least expected.

I don't know how to feel. He passed away. And I can't think. As a Demon, though, I must do right by this.

Last year, two people in the system offended Baron Samedi majorly. It really happened and we must not only apologize but also, make some proper offerings this time.

Me, Dax and Arlo, both feel we must do this. And the reality of a former friend passing is at the forefront. We don't know how grieving a past person is supposed to feel?

I mean Alexithymia f**ks up everything from time to time and Synesthesia stuff, throws a wrench in at times too.

I looked around, in my old bedroom, I don't spend much time here anymore. I prefer our polycule bedroom. Arlo has a large black satin sheeted bed, complete with a bright, green comforter but some days its all black.

Green, my most least favorite color but I am glad he likes it. I prefer red, black and white.

My room has black and white checkerboard walls that I can change the colors on, when I want. My bed is all black with a black and white checkerboard comforter. Nearby is my black nightstand with a cool black cat lamp. My diary, sitting on the nightstand as well.

I don't know how to feel.

Sorrow? Anger? Confusion? Loss? Nope, right now I feel shocked. Side swiped by a truck at night, kind of feeling?

The entire council members can see all our memories, finally. We can finally talk about the past memories together, as a system. We can compare notes and talk out the pain. When we are doing daily life, we are present like nothing before.

Everything is clear and crisp. Its nauseating and I hate it, with every fiber of my being at times. Everything inside is quiet and calm. This is unnerving to say the least.

One thing remains true, we chose to remain a system. We don't want to do final fusion. That is just not preferred. Instead we prefer to be plural. Functional multiplicity.

Several members are not so doing well about the loss. They miss him. I, Dax, barely remember him. The few memories I looked at show things I don't like and things I'd rather not focus on.

Somehow, this life must mean something? I see stars in my head, constellations and I feel beckoning. It's different than D.I.D. pulls and pushes.

No, this feels sacred, magical and scary all at the same time. Tonight isn't the night for speaking to the Loas, but if they say so, we will leap of faith it.

The strangest things are happening in our inner world. We can play music, we have previously heard. Any song...literally. It is wild and dangerous. If we want a theme song...like Eye of the Tiger, while exercising, we can literally just play it in the inner world.

We can finally fully see and talk to each other and we can call to anyone in the system and yea, they might get angry, but we can do it now. There is still barriers...definitely...I can see memories are still blocked off...in some degrees of sub systems continue on. Which means its harder to reach them but we are getting there.

Whatever the universe is doing to all of us...on this planet called Earth, can't you all feel the changes? I don't just mean the Legion. I mean all the people on planet Earth...

I can't think about him. I sorry...I just can't. If I do I will ruminate and go round and round in circles as I tell myself I was a bad friend in the end...or just stupid...or yea no, I need to stop the merry-go-round thought roulette thing that happens.

"Hey," Said Blake Tallon.

I looked up from my bed to the door that was still open, where Blake stood. He looked conflicted. He didn't like the guy, who died, but he knows that the members, who did greatly care about the guy, were angry with him, they are all in shock...they don't know how to feel.

I can't think. Won't think.

"Dude. I can hear you thoughts, your projecting them at me. I think we all should take some time to reflect on the past people, especially him, and figure out what lessons we missed, what lessons we can gleam and how to let go of those people also. It does no good for us to dwell on failures and some of the past people, they were abusers, so definitely not worth continuing to rage at people who have long since forgotten us anyways. We aren't special to them. We aren't even on the radar anymore. So, we all need to really work on letting people go. Let them live. Let them sink. Let them. Just let them. Like the book Mel Robbins put out. We still need to read it you know," Finished Blake.

I looked up at my ceiling that I had created, a swirling galaxy, above me. I pointed to the big dipper. I based it on the real stars on Earth. "Do you think...when we die...we end up here...in the sky? I don't really believe in a Heaven or Hell. I know demons are real. Angels too. Based on my real lived experiences. I don't care what anyone thinks of that. They can f**k off. But where do we go after this? Like...do we transform into spirits and get to traverse the universe with others? With the Gods and Goddesses?"

Blake shrugged and continued to stay at the doorway, waiting it felt like for entry. "Oh for f**k's sake's dude, you don't need to be invited in...we are dating. Just come in!" I said.

Blake snickered and entered. "Look, I really don't have suggestions on this...its not my area of knowledge. I think I would like to join the Goddess Set. Visit the Egyptians God if I die. I would like to, but I think we all agreed on Valhalla. We want to go there with Loki and all the Norse Gods. Since we made a pact with them all."

I nodded. "I know...I mean I don't know how the Gods and Goddesses handle D.I.D. I think its amusing to think about, in some ways. I really need to say this Blake, I didn't hate him...you know...I barely knew him..."

Blake nodded. "I know Dax. I don't hate him anymore. I just wanted him to heal. I wanted him to be happy. And us to be happy too. We don't have to have break bread, with everyone and we did the right decision to disconnect from some of the GE people."

I squeezed my eyes shut. "I can picture him, his smile, his laugh, his tobacco pipe. This doesn't feel...right."

Blake walked to stand in front of me, before he knelt and put his hand around my chin, cupping it. "The best we can do is offer to the Loa's for him. And try to just move forward, remembering that life is in fact short. There is no take backs. No, second chances usually. We were lucky last year. We could have been there too, you know."

"I just don't want to focus on our problems and glorify us right now okay? I get it...right now I want to honor him somehow," I said, opening my eyes.

"Well, what do you want to do?" Blake asked, his eyes softening.

"I want to contact the loas as I said. I also want to write him a song or poetry. Something to get this static in my head out. He can't be dead I keep thinking but he is. Why can't we just petition to have him brought back? I mean is that possible? I don't even know...I've seen this trope in movies and tv shows and it never ends well...but why him? Why?"

Blake let go of my chin and sat down next me, on my right side. "Dax...honey. You know that resurrection isn't our forte. We don't have that kind of power...not many do. But I remember that you feared you had lost your mind last year...we all thought we had gone insane...and even in that...we tried really hard to not hurt others, even though we did initially. My point is...nobody can really stop things like this, nor can we know what will happen when we actually die."

I shrugged. "Yea but all I used to know was that, we went to heaven if we are good or hell if we are bad. Its like childish as f**k. Now I know there is so many possibilities...and I wonder...why no one has figured out how to somehow send a machine or device into the afterlife...I mean do none of these science people try anything like that?"

Blake quirked an eyebrow. "I think the issue is they don't know how to reach the other side...since death isn't a barrier easily breached. But yes, if we could somehow record data of the other side...that would help a lot of people...but some things are not meant to be."

I blinked. "You don't sound like Blake. Is this that asshole demon Kushim? I swear Kushim if you are f**king with me right now..."

Blake sighed. "He keeps invading my mind...playing demonic tricks and being annoying as f**k! Can we please re-negotiate the contract?"

I shrugged. "Yes, we can." My voice trailed off, as I thought about the conflict in my heart.

"Dude!" Blake said slightly louder.

"yea...jeez...yea?" I asked, annoyed.

"You know its going to get better right? I mean he is not suffering at least. And yes, we better fix the contract situation." Blake said, looking unsure.

"No, this feels like punishment for all GE people who cared about him. Why did he have to..."

"Honey, look, we can't very well know all the reasoning behind why someone dies. Even if there is a cause...I mean you want to get mad at Hades? Or Hel? Go right ahead. But I wouldn't offend them," Said Blake, blinking slowly. "And this isn't punishment...this is just life. People die all the time...it just sucks when its someone you know."

"Okay...I appreciate this talk but I need to be alone now. I'm not sure I have the spell slots right now for this. I just need space from everybody," I said, before I looked down and just sighed.

Blake got up and reached over and gave me a side hug. "I'm here if you need to talk more okay? And this f**king sucks, but we must take it day by day till we are solid again. Right now its all messy but that's life. It will get better."

"Yea I hope so..." I said. I watched as he left and looked up. "Man, I pist off several Gods and Goddesses...but not the loas. Thankfully. Still we gotta make it up to Baron Samedi because of Kieran and Arlo, sigh. This is scary as f**k. He's unhappy with us and offended. We are going to have to do something bigger than altar offerings. I don't know what yet..."

For now, I am going to focus on the path ahead while trying to "let go" of people. Maybe even forgive some...if I can.

Lovingly,

Dax Highcross